A: As I read your dilemma, I was reminded of how people view love so differently, particularly in their most intimate relationships. That said, I should clarify that my answer is based on the limited information you’ve shared.

There’s no doubt that hearing “I love you” pulls us in. These three magical words hold us captive, leaving us breathless for more. But words alone often feel hollow—we need actions to show us what love means. Compliments and affection are expressions of feeling; they’re the proof that satisfies our hearts. Without them, words can sound like empty promises. Where I come from, there’s a saying: “Mouth can say anything,” meaning talk is cheap if the mind, heart, and soul aren’t aligned. For “I love you” to feel real, your partner’s sincerity must leave no room for doubt.

In my years of helping individuals and couples with relationship issues, I’ve seen how love is shaped by childhood. Some replicate the role models they grew up with, while others strive to become the affectionate partner they never witnessed.

Perhaps your partner grew up with a stoic male figure, leading him to equate emotional restraint with masculinity. Men of few words often argue that providing and being present “should be enough”—they shouldn’t have to spell it out.

Discussing feelings is especially difficult for many men, as boys are often taught to “toughen up” and avoid “acting like a girl.” The result? Partners end up mind-reading, and projecting assumptions onto the relationship due to poor communication. Both sides feel unseen and misunderstood, creating a rift filled with self-doubt, mistrust, and disappointment.

This disconnect creates a ripple effect. Negativity and lethargy spill into friendships, family, and work. Physical health suffers—sleep, eating, anxiety, and other stress-related issues—and the relationship grows dull. Thoughts like “Is this it?” or “I give up” become common, and settling feels inevitable.

So, my question to clients is:

“Did it start in the bedroom and ripple outward, or did it start elsewhere and ripple into the bedroom?”

Whichever way the ripple flows, it will inevitably have some effect on your sexual intimacy because being able to communicate your needs and wants will draw you closer. Sexual touch, which includes affectionate touch, is the glue that bonds couples. Without this, a distance is created, and the attachment starts to become undone, resulting in feeling like friends or roommates.

From what you’ve shared, my first suggestion is to learn how to really talk with each other. For best results, I’d encourage setting a time and place that works for you both—without outside interference—and with the understanding that this is a conversation about “us.” Creating a confidential space is key to starting a new practice, and with any habit, the more consistent you are, the better you’ll become.

Now, I recognise this sounds easier said than done, but know it’s possible to improve how you relate to each other. In the beginning, it may feel awkward or uncomfortable, or you might meet resistance from your partner. Still, I encourage you to continue. Many relationship issues stem from one or both people not being honest with themselves, let alone their partner, so finding your voice is essential.

If this feels too difficult, I’m here to guide you. Just reach out via the contacts below.

Remember: Your personal happiness is paramount, and in turn, it will enhance your intimate relationship.