Q: How do I know if I’m being realistic about love or just settling?

A: Thank you for such a thought-provoking question—one I know has crossed many people’s minds.

When we think about what is realistic or unrealistic in a love relationship, we may reflect on where our ideas and beliefs come from. Truthfully, it starts from the very beginning of our lives, witnessing affection (or a lack of loving interactions), including the tense energy during or following disagreements. This becomes our norm, and this lifestyle becomes our reality.

As we grow, our community expands and our view widens. As children, we observe and absorb the stories we hear from adults about their good or bad interpersonal experiences. All these factors shape our perspective on love.

Knowing this, we can see how our view on love and relationships forms. Decades ago, our world would have been limited; however, now with our access to the internet and AI features, we are fed content that influences our curiosity. This has certainly broadened our knowledge, but has it created unease and unrealistic expectations for our own intimate relationships?

If we ask couples what they believe a realistic relationship to be, there is generally a common thread. They speak of a best-friend teamwork, built on mutual respect, open communication, and emotional safety. They accept conflicts and disagreements as normal but understanding their commitment requires them to find a place of understanding, taking the other’s feelings and viewpoint into consideration. They don’t expect every day to be harmonious, nor do they have fantasy-like expectations. They know they have to find a win-win solution to restore peace.

“Well, it wasn’t like that for me…”

I completely understand. That is why learning how to navigate the world of dating often comes with trial and error. Perhaps in the beginning, you drifted into a relationship only to realise it wasn’t what you wanted—and then discovered how messy and chaotic detangling and removing yourself can be. You may find yourself reflecting on your choices, and this is where your perception of love may start to alter.

Feeling disillusioned about love can make us question our self-worth and our ability to love or be lovable. It can send anyone on a downward spiral, causing them to lose heart and belief that love is possible. When I hear this, I usually suggest making a list of ‘Essential’ and ‘Desirable’ qualities you might look for in a potential partner. This is a very interesting exercise, as it helps to clarify your needs and wants. To start, you may say, “But I don’t know what I want,” and my reply is always, “But I’m sure you know what you don’t want.” The object of this is to intentionally sort through what worked or didn’t work for you in past relationships. By doing this, you will be guided by whether a future partner does or doesn’t meet your ‘Essential’ qualities. Of course, over the years, things may move or be added to your list, but in my experience, the ‘Essential’ list usually only grows. This is one way of ensuring you don’t accept anything less, as anything less would feel like settling.

Now, this all sounds very logical and reasonable, but as we all know, relationships are much more complex, as individual personalities come into play. When things feel off-balance between you, it is not uncommon to overanalyse every aspect of your interactions together; unfortunately, this may trigger accusations of expecting perfection. Alternatively, trying to mind-read your partner’s intentions can produce self-doubt, and if not addressed, will hinder forward movement. This is why establishing open communication helps to calm uncertainties and adds necessary reassurance.

As you have probably gathered, this all takes cooperation and mutual goals from your partner. Understanding that you will both change as you grow means learning how to move together, which will bring ease and make life more enjoyable. However, if this isn’t present in your relationship, then your intuition may start talking to you loudly, possibly saying, “What are you doing?… This isn’t good… You deserve more.” Perhaps this is what you’re experiencing, making you question if you are settling.

Try to sort through your concerns and find a way to talk to your partner. They may be feeling the same, and having deep conversations can clear misunderstandings and calm the doubts. If this all sounds too difficult, then know I am just a message away.

Remember: Being flexible, interested, and fully participating in each other’s lives requires effort.